 In the ever growing age of the internet, social media, and a world full of distractions I've found it rather difficult to stay on top of reading. In recent years, I've noticed that if a story doesn't pull me in almost immediately I either don't finish it or it takes me an exuberant amount of time to get through it. Having grown up through words, depicting stories of some of my favorite characters, it's been disheartening for me to have fallen so far off the wagon.
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 There's a lot they don't tell you about growing up. They don't tell you how hard it's going to be when you're saying goodbye to your high school friends, and how transitioning to college life isn't like the movies. They don't tell you that heartbreak comes in many forms, and you'll experience it when you have to let go of things like the dance studio you built a home inside of, or friendships that just seem to fade into the background until suddenly that person is no longer in your life. They don't tell you that post-grad life is a confusing, stressful overwhelming time that will feel almost inescapable. They don't tell you what your 20's are really like. They romanticize the crap out of everything. The best four years of your life will surely not be the ones spent in the hallowed halls of your high school where your stress amounts to deadlines and which of your friends is in your lunch period. At this point in my life, high school feels like it was another century where my worries, fears, and doubts were vastly inconsequential. College was rewarding and I miss it, but I wish I took more initiative. I wish I had even the slightest clue at where I was headed and thought more about what comes next rather than live in ignorance.
 I haven’t written a blog post in quite some time. I feel like this is how I always preface these now: “Sorry, it’s been awhile. I’m going to try to write some more!” It never seems to work out that way though. Life tends to get in the way, along with my internal battle with perfection, and the fear that resides within me. They conspire against me and convince me that my words aren’t reaching anyone. That I’m not original enough. That what I’m sharing is just variations of the same thoughts and feelings over and over again. That my repetitive outlook on life is becoming worn out and I have lost every drop of creativity I once had. It feels like I’m wrapped up in this vicious cycle.
 Last weekend, the 60th Annual Grammy Awards, one of music's biggest nights, aired on CBS. There were some incredible performances including Kesha's powerful and inspiring rendition of her song Praying, Pink's raw, artistic performance of her song "Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken" and Logic's words in support of women and immigrants. Esteemed artists like Ed Sheeran and Bruno Mars were amongst the winners of the night bringing home the Grammys for Best Pop Vocal Album/Best Pop Solo Performance (Ed) and Album of the Year and Record of the Year (Bruno). There were a few controversies this year, including the number of male winners significantly outweighing the number of females (there was one female winner), but one, in particular, resonates with me
 For the past few years, the word I was so determined to own, to encapsulate my 365 days, to redefine my path was: fearless. I wanted "to live in spite of the things that scared {me} to death." To leap even when I could feel myself crumbling. To push past the doubt and the thoughts convincing me not to do the thing. Every year was going to be the year when things changed. I would be better; I would take fear by the hand and run straight towards the unknown. I would catapult myself into the exact thing that made me want to shrink back and hide. "This is the year," I would tell myself, "Things are going to be different."
It’s kind of cliche, the 24 things I’ve learned in 24 years. It’s a staple for birthday’s, but I’ve never actually written one myself. I’ve experienced so much, and yet I have a lifetime ahead to look forward to. I just wanted to take the time to acknowledge and share a few of the things I’ve learned so far…
 I tend to overuse the word “inspiring.” I am easily attracted to hard work, the journey of how a person got from point A to point B. The small details of their life before and how it led them to build the life they now live. Positive influencers are like a drug for someone like myself. Someone who has big aspirations for herself. Someone who wants to believe that “good things come to those who wait. But better things to come to those who work for it.” Stories of people who made something out of nothing. Stories of rising to the top because of the refusal to let anyone, anything or even oneself get in the way.
 When I was fourteen years old my musical palette was limited. Before I entered the doors of high school the music I was exposed to was the oldies station my mom listened to in the car, hand me down cd’s including but not limited to Britney Spears, N’SYNC as well as Hilary Duff, a pop genius that to this day I still jam to. I had yet to develop my own sense of taste when it came to melodies, lyrics and the singers that brought them to life. Not long after I found my little group of comrades in my freshman year did I learn that I needed to up my game if I was going to fit in. And that is where this love story begins.  You look at me and you see a “good” girl. You size me up, from the way I talk, to how I dress, even my mannerisms, and from that alone you come to a single adjective. As if that is the sole distinctive thing about me. As if you could know absolutely everything there is to know about a person with a solitary phrase. The words slide off your tongue “you’re a good girl,” snarkily. You've found one defining thing about me, and to you, it’s drowning in negativity. You stamp this label on my forehead and then you sneer at me.
 I thought about you today. Not in an "I miss you" sort of way, but in a "you used to be in my life, but now you're not" way.
I think about you quite often actually. When I'm driving to work and and my thoughts bring me back to a memory of you, when something funny happens that I think you'd appreciate, when anything happens I remember how you were always one of the first people I told. It's interesting how someone can go from being a part of your everyday life to being a complete stranger. At one point you were someone I went to with everything. Your thoughts and advice were important to me. I took them into consideration and they were a part of how I made decisions. What you thought and how you felt about something influenced me more than it should have. |
Maire25. INFP + Hufflepuff. Stories have always been my safe haven. I hope my words can be the same for you. |
