It’s weird thinking about where I was at the start of the last decade. It was 2010 and I was halfway through my junior year of high school. I was still adjusting to my new school environment, after having to transfer when my beloved all-girls catholic high school officially closed its doors. I was starting a new chapter just as the world was transitioning into a new decade. So many milestone moments happened for me this past decade: I graduated from high school, passed my road test (after many attempts), earned my Associates and Bachelor’s degrees, met my biggest inspiration, and started an online magazine, just to name a few.
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There's a lot they don't tell you about growing up. They don't tell you how hard it's going to be when you're saying goodbye to your high school friends, and how transitioning to college life isn't like the movies. They don't tell you that heartbreak comes in many forms, and you'll experience it when you have to let go of things like the dance studio you built a home inside of, or friendships that just seem to fade into the background until suddenly that person is no longer in your life. They don't tell you that post-grad life is a confusing, stressful overwhelming time that will feel almost inescapable. They don't tell you what your 20's are really like. They romanticize the crap out of everything. The best four years of your life will surely not be the ones spent in the hallowed halls of your high school where your stress amounts to deadlines and which of your friends is in your lunch period. At this point in my life, high school feels like it was another century where my worries, fears, and doubts were vastly inconsequential. College was rewarding and I miss it, but I wish I took more initiative. I wish I had even the slightest clue at where I was headed and thought more about what comes next rather than live in ignorance.
I haven’t written a blog post in quite some time. I feel like this is how I always preface these now: “Sorry, it’s been awhile. I’m going to try to write some more!” It never seems to work out that way though. Life tends to get in the way, along with my internal battle with perfection, and the fear that resides within me. They conspire against me and convince me that my words aren’t reaching anyone. That I’m not original enough. That what I’m sharing is just variations of the same thoughts and feelings over and over again. That my repetitive outlook on life is becoming worn out and I have lost every drop of creativity I once had. It feels like I’m wrapped up in this vicious cycle.
For the past few years, the word I was so determined to own, to encapsulate my 365 days, to redefine my path was: fearless. I wanted "to live in spite of the things that scared {me} to death." To leap even when I could feel myself crumbling. To push past the doubt and the thoughts convincing me not to do the thing. Every year was going to be the year when things changed. I would be better; I would take fear by the hand and run straight towards the unknown. I would catapult myself into the exact thing that made me want to shrink back and hide. "This is the year," I would tell myself, "Things are going to be different."
It’s kind of cliche, the 24 things I’ve learned in 24 years. It’s a staple for birthday’s, but I’ve never actually written one myself. I’ve experienced so much, and yet I have a lifetime ahead to look forward to. I just wanted to take the time to acknowledge and share a few of the things I’ve learned so far…
You look at me and you see a “good” girl. You size me up, from the way I talk, to how I dress, even my mannerisms, and from that alone you come to a single adjective. As if that is the sole distinctive thing about me. As if you could know absolutely everything there is to know about a person with a solitary phrase. The words slide off your tongue “you’re a good girl,” snarkily. You've found one defining thing about me, and to you, it’s drowning in negativity. You stamp this label on my forehead and then you sneer at me.
I thought about you today. Not in an "I miss you" sort of way, but in a "you used to be in my life, but now you're not" way.
I think about you quite often actually. When I'm driving to work and and my thoughts bring me back to a memory of you, when something funny happens that I think you'd appreciate, when anything happens I remember how you were always one of the first people I told. It's interesting how someone can go from being a part of your everyday life to being a complete stranger. At one point you were someone I went to with everything. Your thoughts and advice were important to me. I took them into consideration and they were a part of how I made decisions. What you thought and how you felt about something influenced me more than it should have. {Disclaimer: This post was inspired by Lauren's, check her out she has a lot of wisdom to share}
A little backstory... If you follow me on twitter, you'll know that I sometimes tend to go on little rants. Positivity rants are what I like to call them. Rants about self-love, rants about fighting for your dreams, rants about spreading kindness and rants about how much potential is living inside of all of us. This all started when I was introduced to DOY back in 2013. Cydney, the founder, had created a hashtag called #selfworthwednesday where every Wednesday positivity would be shared through the hashtag via social media. When I started following Cydney, seeing the way in which she was incredibly supportive and loving towards me and other total strangers was captivating. She poured out so much goodness into the world I knew I had to be a part of it. Fear [feer] (n): a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
Heights, spiders, the dark, what do they have in common? They're fears. We all have them. I bet you can think of at least one... An eerie chill suddenly slides down your spine without hesitation. You are in full on panic mode: palms are sweating, your heart is now increasing speed at an alarmingly accelerated rate, and you feel the moisture from your perspiring body attach itself to your clothing. Have you ever felt so afraid you went numb to every feeling in your body? One minute you're laughing without a care in the world and the next it's as if the world around you is spinning. You can't see or think straight because something in you has triggered fight or flight symptoms. What happens when you come face to face with the one thing that frightens you the most? 2016 was an interesting year, to say the least. I started my own online magazine, I was blogging more consistently, I met a slew of my favorite artists and human beings, and I said yes to adventures on more than one occasion. For the most part, I was doing okay. I was juggling my own blog, writing for an online magazine (that I’d been writing for since Fall of 2013), working, gaining more responsibility with Dream On Youth AND I was co-running a magazine of my own. I figured the more I was doing outside of my part time job, aka the more work I was doing geared toward building up my resume, the better. I felt in control of my life and more productive than ever before.
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