Fall in Love With Yourself First

​Ever since I was a little girl, I've loved to read.  In middle school when I discovered the YA section, the novels that drew me in, the ones that I went back to every time I made a trip to the library, were the romances.  The teen "chick lit" as it's generally known, aka my go-to genre.  The one where the girl meets the guy and maybe they don't get along right away, or maybe he's not who she ever thought she'd see herself with.  By the end, both the girl and her love interest realize the mutual feelings and finally have that kiss we've all spent waiting, the hundred or so pages of waiting, for.  I'm not sure what it is about this genre but it's always been the one I've gravitated towards the most.  I don't stop there: books, movies, music (heck my favorite artist is Taylor Swift, I think that says a lot),was, and is, the genre that appeals to me the most. 

 A story that involves a girl meeting a guy that sees her for exactly who she is and loves her for it, a guy understanding every little part of her personality and finding her flaws, or features that she considers flaws, to be his favorite things about her.  A story about love conquering evil, love saving lives and helping change the world.  A story about unrequited love, a story about a love so extraordinary it brings you to tears.  These are a few of the many kinds of love stories I've come across throughout my years as an avid reader of this particular genre.  As a young woman in her early twenties, I still find myself getting lost in these types of stories, movies, and songs.  The effect they have on me hasn't faded.
    Despite my adoration of the concept of love and the stories it creates,I myself have yet to experience my own "love story." I've always been happily single, even when my friends started dating and getting into relationships, it never bothered me that I wasn't. I gladly met their boyfriends and offered words of advice and comfort when those relationships ended.  I always seemed to be on the receiving end of those tales of heartbreak and woe with an inexperienced ear to listen and vent to.  Friends would ask "So any cute guys?"and the answer has always been "no."  Being an over-thinker and a writer (which I think goes hand in hand) I'm usually stuck inside my own head.  I live in my own little world that I've created for myself.  I've never stopped and thought about the guy sitting next to me in class or the guy I passed on the way into Target.  
    I'm not always in tune with my surroundings, with my mind focused on the task at hand (when I'm not daydreaming of course). It never occurs to me to glance in any other direction than the one I'm headed.  I don't get distracted by a guy I find attractive because I don't give myself the chance to see him.  This is unintentional, of course.  It's not that I don't want to see him, it's nice to admire things appealing to the eye, but it's never been the first thing on my mind. It's not something that's concerned me, ever.
    Recently, however, I've noticed that people I've graduated high school or college with have either: gotten married, engaged or are already having children.  Being that I'm still figuring out my future, watching others start to settle down now makes me a little anxious.  They're doing adult things.  Things that adults do.  I'm an adult, legally anyway. Will I ever do these things? Will I find someone that I just click with? Will it be someone I'm comfortable with from the start? How will it happen? When will it happen? Am I ready? Will I ever be ready? These are the questions that haunt me as a college graduate. People are going off to grad school, moving away, starting their new lives. Me? I'm doing my best to stay positive. To keep moving, even on the days I'm so frustrated all I want to do is crawl back into bed and sleep.
    Love. It's a scary thing. Most things make me nervous, at first anyway. Most things make my stomach turn in knots and my body tense up.  Usually, it's in relation to change, but I think love terrifies me the most. It's uncharted territory. It's something I've never even dipped my toes into before.  It's uncontrollable. It's unpredictable. It's a place of vulnerability.  It's a place of exposure.  And that terrifies me.  I've never understood why I get so anxious about certain things, but maybe my fear of a relationship beyond friendship is easier to see through than I thought.  It's feelings and thoughts and actions I've yet to go through.  It's the unforeseen future with a person I may or may not know yet. That is scary stuff!
    If I've learned anything, though, it's that life happens.  If something was and is meant to be, it will happen when the universe decides it's time.  It'll happen when you least expect it and it won't be anything like you've ever imagined. It will be better. It will exceed all and every expectation you've laid out for yourself because nothing can compare to reality.  As magical and as wonderful as our imaginations can be, real life is so much more. I don't believe our lives revolve around us finding our person, but I do believe there is someone out there for all of us.  I have to. I think finding our other half, finding our person, is only a mere fraction of our time here on earth. I think we all have someone we were meant to be with. Maybe you'll meet him tomorrow.  Maybe she's sitting in the train car next to you.  Maybe you grew up two blocks away. The thing is, I don't think you or me or anyone should spend time worrying about our single-dom. I don't think we have anything to worry about.  Our lives turn out exactly the way they're supposed to and I think in the end we'll be happy. You don't need someone to complete you, complete yourself. Love yourself. Choose yourself and maybe, just maybe someday someone else will too.

                                                   Never forget the essence of your spark!
​                                                                             Maire