I thought about you today. Not in an "I miss you" sort of way, but in a "you used to be in my life, but now you're not" way.
I think about you quite often actually. When I'm driving to work and and my thoughts bring me back to a memory of you, when something funny happens that I think you'd appreciate, when anything happens I remember how you were always one of the first people I told.
It's interesting how someone can go from being a part of your everyday life to being a complete stranger. At one point you were someone I went to with everything. Your thoughts and advice were important to me. I took them into consideration and they were a part of how I made decisions. What you thought and how you felt about something influenced me more than it should have.
I read a note you had written to me once. You talked about how I 'got you' and how I stuck with you for so long. The ironic part is that you're the one who left. You're the one who slowly erased me from your narrative. The same way the design on the mug you gave me faded away, so did you. The words gradually became less and less recognizable, and so did you. Till. one day, they were completely gone from the surface. of the mug. Your responses came less and less, in as little words as possible. I tried to rewrite what once was, but eventually the desire to hold onto something that no longer wants to exist becomes too much...
I've wanted to write about my feelings on this for quite some time, but something held me back. It was you. I'm not trying to blame you for anything or victimize myself because I've gotten to the point where I'm okay. These words are not to attack you, or further discuss something that we've both moved on from, I just want to reach out to people who are currently dealing with losing a friend. Because in my experience, it's incredibly difficult. No matter how the relationship ends, good, bad or mutually, it still hurts. It still feels like a part of you is missing.
Awhile back I wrote an article called "From a Girl Who Doesn't Have a Best Friend" because I never really had one. We're surrounded by the idea that everyone has someone. Everyone has that one person. And, for me. finally having that was something I'd always wanted. I was blinded by it. I had never had a real best friend. And then I did. We just clicked. She understood me. She just did. It was natural. Off the bat we got along, it didn't take long before we were talking every day about everything and absolutely nothing. And then things changed. I was wearing rose colored glasses from the very beginning. I didn't understand what was happening or why it was happening. I felt like that clingy girl in those romantic comedies that everyone hates. I felt as if I had misread the entire friendship, and that was what hurt the most.
To anyone reading this who has ever felt shut out by the one person they turn to: it's not your fault. People come in and out of our lives constantly, and not everyone is meant to stay. Some people we cross paths with leave a mark that changes us, some are there to teach us the lessons we don't want to learn, and others are there for a lifetime of support. I wish I could say this something we leave behind when our young school days are over, but that's not how these things work.
Losing someone important in your life is incredibly hard. It's baffling how something that can take months or even years to build can be shattered in a matter of seconds. Secrets kept, words left unsaid, feelings overlooked. One misstep and the castle you built together can all come crashing down in one giant heap. People are unpredictable, like the weather things can change in an instant. One day you're shoveling snow and the next you're walking outside without a jacket. Nothing is set in stone. What we have to remember though, is not to let this loss, this sorrow or this hurt overwhelm us. Don't let it harden your heart. Allow yourself time to wallow, grieve. Its okay to fall apart. It's okay not to be okay. Remind yourself of what you are and what you are not. You are a beautiful mess that makes mistakes. You are an imperfect human being that is constantly learning from your mistakes. You are a soul that simply wants to love and be loved in return. You are not a ticking time bomb. You are not someone who breaks whatever they touch. You are not damaged goods. You are not a problem that needs to be fixed. People aren't always who they say they are. Everyone is struggling. Everyone is facing their own individual demons every single day.
Relationships end, friendships cease to exist but that doesn't mean you are solely to blame. You are worth more than you believe. You are more than a convenience. You are a better person than who you were yesterday. You deserve to know what it's like to be someone's world, but you're also worthy of love from yourself. You are enough. You are beautiful. You are not the scars you bear or the weight of the past that you carry with you. You are a work of art. You are an undiscovered pearl waiting to break the surface. Someone has hurt you and now you question the idea of ever letting yourself be vulnerable again.
Take a deep breath and remember that you gave them your love. You were brave enough to be vulnerable and that's good. I know I told myself in the beginning that I wasn't going to let anyone else in but what's the point of that? Letting things build up and then exploding isn't healthy either. Protect your heart but know it's okay to open up when you're ready. It's okay to be sad and to mourn this loss but don't forget to pick yourself up and brush yourself off and comfort yourself. Remind yourself of your goodness. Remind yourself of your strength. You have so much of it inside you, don't forget that.
Never forget the essence of your spark!